Try to See behind the Smile
by Patient Harmony
Summary: For cherryfeather101. Feliks is a cheerful person, but he's hiding behind the smile. After a nasty fight with his best friend, he finds it difficult to reapply the smile.


**So, this was a request from cherryfeather101. I hope I did it justice.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia**

 **Try to See behind the Smile**

Feliks Łukasiewicz was a cheerful person. Ask anyone in the school and they would tell you that. He was rarely seen without a smile, and was a little shy towards strangers, but still friendly. He was friendly, though feisty.

Feliks had two really close friends, Toris, a Lithuanian, and Elizabeta, a Hungarian. Both of them were his friends since childhood. He also was friendly with an Italian, Feliciano Vargas, though he was a little hesitant around the Italian's German best friend.

Especially considering the German's elder brother wasn't someone that Feliks particularly liked, and who didn't like him either. The same could be said for a large Russian that liked to scare Toris.

And asides from those two, no one thought that Feliks had any enemies. But he had one other that none of them expected.

Himself.

…

Feliks sat at home, going through his list of contacts. He had already called Toris, Elizabeta and Feliciano, but they were all busy. Just like everyone else that he had called.

He didn't want to be alone. Not now. He needed an excuse to smile. He needed to laugh. He needed to put on the mask. He couldn't be alone at the moment.

But he had no other choice.

In an effort to pull himself out of the dark place where his mind had wandered, he went into his closet, pulling out one of the frilliest dresses he owned. After putting the dress on, he went to his vanity, where he applied makeup with a skilled hand.

In the end, no one would be able to recognise him as a boy, and that's what he wanted. To be someone else. A pretty girl.

Pretty girls never cried. They would ruin their makeup if they did so.

…

"I still don't understand how you manage to pull that look off," Toris said.

They were at the mall, and Feliks was dressed in an outfit that Elizabeta described as 'cheerleader casual', in other words the type of clothes you would expect the popular cheerleaders to wear when they weren't wearing their uniforms.

"Like, if you've got it, flaunt it," Feliks stated.

He ignored the girls that were giggling nearby. He knew that they found him funny, but not in a good way.

He wouldn't stop smiling, even though he just wanted to scream.

…

His parents indulged him, not having a problem with him wearing girls' clothes. He was thankful for that, since he needed to wear them. It was his security blanket.

And if there were people that wanted to destroy that security, he would simply buy a new dress. He didn't care that people saw him as weird for liking something that made him safe. That made him happy.

…

"Freak!"

Feliks ignored Gilbert. He never really bothered with the German albino. Elizabeta would chase him away eventually.

Instead, Feliks looked over towards Toris, who was flirting with Natalya, Ivan's sister. She wasn't a good choice for Toris, and he wished that his friend would see that and move his attention to someone else.

"Worried about your boyfriend?" Gilbert taunted.

"I've kissed more girls than you have," Feliks said calmly.

When he heard Gilbert storm away, he smirked, knowing that he had managed to get under the albino's skin.

…

"I don't understand what your problem is," Toris said.

It happened very rarely, but it did. Toris and Feliks got in a fight.

"Like, _she's_ my problem," Feliks said. "She's totally Ivan's sister, in case you forgot. Like, the guy that belongs in the nuthouse, along with his sister. I don't understand why you like that psycho."

"It's because you don't understand _anything_ , Feliks."

"Like, what is _that_ supposed to mean?"

"You are impulsive. You don't listen to other people. You make it _easy_ for people to ridicule you. And whenever I try to have my own life, you're trying to control it. So what if I like Nat? It's not your problem. It doesn't concern you."

"Like, it concerns me if that psycho tries to hurt you."

"Yeah, like you cared about it before. You did the same with Elizabeta when she started dating Roderich. They broke up because of you. You can't be the centre of attention all the time Feliks. And what you do to _get_ that attention is childish."

"What do you mean by _that_?"

"Forget it. You're too self-absorbed to understand anything."

And Toris walked away.

…

"I understand perfectly," Feliks muttered.

He was in his room, in one of his most gorgeous outfits, but even when he's dressed to the nines, he couldn't get his friend's words out of his head.

Was he really self-absorbed by clinging to anything that gave him joy? Was he self-absorbed by wanting to protect his friends from relationships that would hurt them?

Tears streamed down his face, but he didn't care. For once, he allowed the mascara to run, not caring about his belief that pretty girls didn't cry.

But thinking back, he knew he was a joke, offering himself up for ridicule, just like Toris said. All of their laughter, the jokes made about him… For once, he could hear Gilbert's voice and allowed it to get underneath his own skin.

Feliks tried to smile. He tried to apply the mask as easily as he applied the makeup, but like the mascara streaming down his face, the mask was ruined.

Feliks looked around the room, trying to find something else to comfort him, when he saw the window. The second-story window. Jumping out of it wouldn't kill him…

But hanging himself there would.

And since it faced the backyard, not many people would be able to see it.

He grabbed shawls and scarves, tying them together. He tested their strength, and when he was sure that they would hold, tied one end to the foot of his bed, and the other around his neck.

He walked towards the window…

And stepped outside.

…

Toris went to school the next morning, though he couldn't shake the feeling that something was off. He shrugged, ignoring the feeling.

At least, until the first period, when he noticed that Feliks wasn't at his desk.

Wondering if the other was sick, he vowed to call after school to check on him, and to apologise for the things he said the previous day.

But when he called after school, his friend didn't answer. Becoming concerned, he called the Pole's mother.

"Is Feliks alright?" Toris asked.

The woman sobbed, and Toris _really_ became worried.

"Toris… Feliks, he… he killed himself."

Toris felt his eyes widen, and his arm fell to his side, the phone slipping from its grip. He leaned against the wall and allowed himself to slide to the ground. He dug his hands into his hair, clutching the brown locks.

"What have I done?" he whispered.

Immediately, all the words he said to the Pole the previous day rushed back, and he couldn't stop the tears that fell.

 **Okay, so while writing this fic, we were doing children and teen literature in creative writing. We received an assignment to write a short story for teens. I intend to use something like this, but from the friend's perspective at the funeral, thinking back at the friend who was always smiling that killed himself. And to get me more in the mood, I also read Thirteen Reasons Why. Yeah, the last three scenes were written** _ **after**_ **reading the book. A lot of it went about how words or actions affect a person more than you think they do, and you don't realise it because it happens in a small part of a person's life, but it doesn't just affect that part of life. The snowball effect. So even if Toris's words weren't** _ **that**_ **bad, when seen through a larger perspective, it hurts more than he could possibly have imagined.**


End file.
